A knee injury sucks. Trust me, I know first hand. It was early Friday evening around mid-January of this year. I had just gotten home from work and was getting ready to settle in for the night. As I walked out of my closet and headed toward the bathroom, my right knee abruptly collided with the wall.
There was instant pain followed by a few choice expletives, but I brushed it off. I didn’t think it was a particularly hard hit so I elevated it for the rest of the night and carried on with business as usual the following day. After a couple weeks passed, however, I noticed a stiffness in my knee that hadn’t been there before. It was annoying, but I figured it was a delayed reaction to what happened and would go away soon enough. Fortunately it did, but then it also came back.
As the weeks went by, the pain in my knee continued to come in waves along with any optimism I had that it would ever fully heal. Sometimes I thought I’d prefer to be in constant pain. I could adapt to something if it was consistent. Instead, my knee felt normal long enough to give me hope that it had healed only for the pain and stiffness to return. The back and forth was weighing on me. I felt broken – not just physically but mentally.
I replayed the day of the incident countless times. If only I had been more careful, paid a little bit more attention, then I wouldn’t be here. I tortured myself over it. As much as I wanted it to, the past couldn’t be changed. Then I’d think to myself, it wasn’t that hard of a hit, right?
On particularly rough days, I found myself in my car after work crying. The tears were less about the pain I felt and more about the mental toll this injury was taking on me. I wanted to be able to fully engage in activities I enjoyed without feeling pain or worrying how it might affect my knee. More than anything I wanted my knee to feel fine, and for it to stay that way.
Looking back, I did myself a disservice by not taking more time to rest post-injury. Once my knee started to feel better I took that as a sign that I could do more. I should have been more patient with myself, but I was itching to get back to my regular workouts.
I’ve changed a lot in the past several years to be able to type that last sentence. Six years ago I never could have imagined I‘d be the type of person “itching” to exercise. The opposite was closer to the truth. At that time, exercising was just a means to an end; a way for me to fit in to smaller sized jeans and wear a bathing suit without feeling so self-conscious. You know, the deep stuff.
Where I grew up regular physical activity was outside of the norm unless you were a student athlete or trying to lose weight. I’m sure there were people who exercised for enjoyment, but I didn’t see them. It ended up coloring my perceptions of what exercise was and what it could be. I thought it was supposed to be tortuous; something done out of necessity.
After consistently working out for a while though, physical activity became more than a means to an end. I currently work out 5 days a week for about an hour each day, and I love it. Whether it’s strength training, barre, HIIT, or something else, I relish that time to tune out the constant chatter going on in my head. It’s a chance for me to try new things and meet new people (which for an introvert is no small feat). It also gives me a chance to physically challenge myself. Overcoming physical challenges makes me feel like I can overcome other challenges in my life. The effect is that I feel stronger both physically and mentally which helps boost my confidence.
That confidence took a hit when I got injured. After surviving high school soccer (yes, technically I fell in the ‘student athlete’ category) and a five-year fitness journey, I was now faced with a new challenge.
It happened at the beginning of 2018, the year that I was going to really push myself. I wanted to get a half marathon under my belt, sign up for some Spartan races, and maybe even work toward becoming a certified fitness instructor. I spent time writing down my fitness goals for the year, but now it felt like time wasted and served as a reminder of goals that seemed so far out of my reach.
The cycle of ups and downs continued for months until I decided that things had to change. I reminded myself that one of the things I love about working out was coincidentally one of the things that would help with my recovery – the satisfaction of overcoming a physical challenge. Here are four things in particular that have been helping me get through this process.
- Mindfulness. I’m taking it one day at a time. It’s not a novel concept by any means, but once I embraced it in terms of my injury it took on greater meaning. Who knew that a 1-credit grad school course would have such a lasting impact?! One day is all I have to manage. I work hard not to focus on how the rest of the week, month, or next six months will go. That’s when my thoughts tend to spiral. In other words, if I have one particularly bad day, I’ll project those feelings over the next six months. Then I’ll end up feeling hopeless because the current picture seems so bleak. There are inevitably going to be good and bad days but I remind myself that my sole responsibility is to get through the day that’s in front of me. It also helps to remember that today alone doesn’t dictate tomorrow. It’s a process and one bad day (or two or three) doesn’t spoil the bunch.
- Seeking support for my physical needs. I finally decided to see a doctor after several weeks passed and my knee pain kept coming and going. He told me I had patellofemoral pain syndrome (also known as “runner’s knee”) which is a broad classification for pain stemming from patella issues that can be caused by overuse (i.e. running) or an acute injury (such as a collision). Because of that collision my patella wasn’t tracking properly which was causing my stiffness and the dull aching sensation I felt at times. He recommended some at home exercises and physical therapy. I was a little anxious before my first physical therapy session, but excited that I was taking another active step toward my recovery. After an initial evaluation, my therapist took me through a series of tailored exercises and gave me some to do every day at home. I learned during this evaluation that I had a neuromuscular function issue prior to the injury that my knees had adapted to. My therapist could tell this based on how my non-injured knee moved. My knees were able to function with this issue on its own, but when the injury happened it became too much for my right knee. So a part of my recovery has been to work on functional exercises to correct that underlying issue and strengthen my right knee in the process. Thinking about it my knees may actually perform better than they did pre-injury once my right knee is fully recovered. That’s something I like to remind myself of if I’m having a bad day.
- Seeking social support. For my mental health, family and friends have been a great support. However, I do miss having a therapist who can help me navigate challenging issues like this one. I had a great therapist during my PhD program, but after moving post-graduation it’s been daunting to try to forge a relationship with a new one. I’m pushing past the discomfort though because it’s that important. I’ve been doing research and have come across a couple therapists who I think could be a really good fit. Now I just have to reach out to them.
- Personal training. I planned to start working with a personal trainer this year but after I got injured I wanted to put that on hold. I couldn’t work out the way I wanted to so it seemed pointless. Fortunately, my sister talked some sense into me (side note: big sisters are great). A good trainer is supposed to know how to train clients recovering from injuries. They should be able to create workouts that accommodate your current physical needs but that still challenge you. What better way to feel like I was progressing than with a personal trainer who could track my progress and keep me accountable? As a bonus, my trainer and physical therapist seemed to be on the same page. My trainer caught the same issue during my assessment that my physical therapist noticed and got me started on exercises to correct it.
The state of my knee now
Right now my knee feels fine. Stiffness has been much less of an issue in these past few weeks and I’m very grateful for that. I had a little bump in the road last week in terms of knee pain, but the bumps are becoming more spaced out which is a good sign. I do my physical therapy exercises faithfully every day, and focus on workouts that my knee can handle. Like my therapist told me, pain is my guide. If it hurts, I don’t do it.
My plan right now is to keep taking each day as it comes. Patience, diligence, and determination will get me to my 2018 goals – even if they’re accomplished in 2019.
Have you dealt with an injury before? What was the hardest part about it? What helped you get through it? Let me know in the comments below.
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